Another unusual week in the south has led me to tell you about a rather intimate experience at the Hicks house this last week. Texas along with most of the country has just fought its way through the icy polar vortex of 2014. The beginning of the week saw temperatures in Texas at the below freezing mark for extended periods of time. This is not something we are used to dealing with.
Of course since I am a reluctantly transplanted northerner I always try to show lots of bravado and brag about how this isn't cold. Real cold is walking five miles through a manure filled cattle lot making sure the water heaters are working to keep them in fresh water or riding on the back of a tractor to hop off and open gates for the feed wagon in the subzero misery that hit Indiana this week. Since I had a wonderful childhood and remember the snot freezing to my ski mask while Dad yelled at me to hurry up I scoff at these puny Texans and their 27 degree weather. (Cue Tim Allen type barks of manhood- Mr. Gibson)
Monday night showed me the error of my ways. I showed up for what is the most depressing day ever for teachers. (the first day after winter break) I arrived at 6:20 and inhaled the fresh 27 degree air before the students arrived. The day flew by as I boasted and bragged about how hale and hearty I was. This isn't cold, let me show you cold as I pulled up frozen pictures of the icy Indiana conditions. (I managed to bring up big stories about the blizzard of 78.)
Arriving home the temps had fallen below the freezing mark and I confess I raised the temperature on the thermostat by 1 degree to a balmy 73. Madison stopped in for a visit and we played for a bit. She went to the restroom and then left before she could be "Out in this weather". I checked the house and went back to the bedroom to cuddle up for a peaceful night's sleep.
Of course since I am a reluctantly transplanted northerner I always try to show lots of bravado and brag about how this isn't cold. Real cold is walking five miles through a manure filled cattle lot making sure the water heaters are working to keep them in fresh water or riding on the back of a tractor to hop off and open gates for the feed wagon in the subzero misery that hit Indiana this week. Since I had a wonderful childhood and remember the snot freezing to my ski mask while Dad yelled at me to hurry up I scoff at these puny Texans and their 27 degree weather. (Cue Tim Allen type barks of manhood- Mr. Gibson)
Monday night showed me the error of my ways. I showed up for what is the most depressing day ever for teachers. (the first day after winter break) I arrived at 6:20 and inhaled the fresh 27 degree air before the students arrived. The day flew by as I boasted and bragged about how hale and hearty I was. This isn't cold, let me show you cold as I pulled up frozen pictures of the icy Indiana conditions. (I managed to bring up big stories about the blizzard of 78.)
Arriving home the temps had fallen below the freezing mark and I confess I raised the temperature on the thermostat by 1 degree to a balmy 73. Madison stopped in for a visit and we played for a bit. She went to the restroom and then left before she could be "Out in this weather". I checked the house and went back to the bedroom to cuddle up for a peaceful night's sleep.
Let me explain a little about my bedroom. It is in the far southern corner of my house and the bedroom and master bath are 80% exterior walls. This would mean that during the summer the design of my house is such that I have to run an extra AC unit to keep my room comfortable and during the winter my room is the coldest place in the house. I like that it is cooler than the rest of the house. I want to be able to curl up under my blankets. It makes me feel all safe and warm. Kind of like the basement I was kept in back in Indiana.
The water-closet for the master bath is in the back corner and features some beautiful harvest gold marble tile, a porcelain throne and a window. The hollow core door closes to give you plenty of privacy and the whole thing is heated or cooled on body temperature or the amount of refreshing breeze that happens to be blowing through the window on any given evening. Consequently, my rule is never, ever shut the door.
Did I mention Madison had to use the bathroom? She has this thing about using Daddy's restroom (I don't get it but maybe the magazines are better than her bathroom). She always goes back to my room and when she finishes she flushes, shuts the door, and washes her hands. What is my rule? Don't ever, ever shut the door.
Monday, I crawled into bed after finishing my required 64 ounces of water for the day. (I love my Fitbit for tracking this stuff.) As you could expect on the coldest day of the year my bedroom was probably a cool 65 and I was sleeping like the proverbial log.
I jerked awake a couple hours later with the kind of bladder pressure that lets a fellow know there won't be any rolling over and ignoring. This was your-gonna-burst-wake-your-stupid-self-up ohmygoodness I gotta pee! I skedaddled to the bathroom.
I don't usually turn on the light to use the restroom. I want to stay as asleep as possible and since I live alone things are generally where I left them. I can negotiate my bedroom avoiding dirty clothes, shoes, and various other things. I really don't know why they ended up in the bedroom (shrug). I was doing the full on pee-pee dance as I went for my little room.
Bang! stand up face plant into the door which Madison had shut. Staggered me two steps back, I lost my internal map of the room in the confusion, kicked over the trash can, and then rammed left hand into the door knob trying to get the blasted thing open.
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other as I felt the pressure mount. All of this healthy water is gonna vacate at once and like a Ben Stiller movie I am floundering in my master bath, in the dark, and now I am completely confused. I shake off the smarting wrist. Calmer now, so as not to injure myself further I grasp the knob and pull the door open briskly. Into my waiting foot. Holy cripes! Hopping back I catch the towels tossed over the door with my right hand and pull them down to provide even more treacherous terrain for my last good remaining foot.
I step forward into the water closet. Into my freezer. I mean every external part of my body that could return to being internal did its best to curl up and scream for warmth. Sunnuva! frakkin, what the hell, it's so cold in there I can't figure out if I need to use the restroom or find hot water to unstick my feet from the floor. With no heat vent and the door closed the swiss cheese window had let my throne temperature drop into the forties. I did the champion of all pee pee dances while howling four letter words.
At this point taking care of business was easy as I was now fully awake. I turned on the light, stuffed all those towels around the window and opened the door. (Washed my hands, you think I am that gross?) I returned to the warmth of my bed and laid awake. I mean seriously after all of that how could I sleep? I had to go take some Advil for my wrist and toe, drink some more water, (will I never learn) and then I went to Madison's room and stole her little LED night light. Battered, bruised, and frozen I stopped complaining that Texas didn't know what cold was. I have been humbled. By a door and some ugly tile. The story had to be told, I couldn't make this up if I wanted too.
The water-closet for the master bath is in the back corner and features some beautiful harvest gold marble tile, a porcelain throne and a window. The hollow core door closes to give you plenty of privacy and the whole thing is heated or cooled on body temperature or the amount of refreshing breeze that happens to be blowing through the window on any given evening. Consequently, my rule is never, ever shut the door.
Did I mention Madison had to use the bathroom? She has this thing about using Daddy's restroom (I don't get it but maybe the magazines are better than her bathroom). She always goes back to my room and when she finishes she flushes, shuts the door, and washes her hands. What is my rule? Don't ever, ever shut the door.
Monday, I crawled into bed after finishing my required 64 ounces of water for the day. (I love my Fitbit for tracking this stuff.) As you could expect on the coldest day of the year my bedroom was probably a cool 65 and I was sleeping like the proverbial log.
I jerked awake a couple hours later with the kind of bladder pressure that lets a fellow know there won't be any rolling over and ignoring. This was your-gonna-burst-wake-your-stupid-self-up ohmygoodness I gotta pee! I skedaddled to the bathroom.
I don't usually turn on the light to use the restroom. I want to stay as asleep as possible and since I live alone things are generally where I left them. I can negotiate my bedroom avoiding dirty clothes, shoes, and various other things. I really don't know why they ended up in the bedroom (shrug). I was doing the full on pee-pee dance as I went for my little room.
Bang! stand up face plant into the door which Madison had shut. Staggered me two steps back, I lost my internal map of the room in the confusion, kicked over the trash can, and then rammed left hand into the door knob trying to get the blasted thing open.
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other as I felt the pressure mount. All of this healthy water is gonna vacate at once and like a Ben Stiller movie I am floundering in my master bath, in the dark, and now I am completely confused. I shake off the smarting wrist. Calmer now, so as not to injure myself further I grasp the knob and pull the door open briskly. Into my waiting foot. Holy cripes! Hopping back I catch the towels tossed over the door with my right hand and pull them down to provide even more treacherous terrain for my last good remaining foot.
I step forward into the water closet. Into my freezer. I mean every external part of my body that could return to being internal did its best to curl up and scream for warmth. Sunnuva! frakkin, what the hell, it's so cold in there I can't figure out if I need to use the restroom or find hot water to unstick my feet from the floor. With no heat vent and the door closed the swiss cheese window had let my throne temperature drop into the forties. I did the champion of all pee pee dances while howling four letter words.
At this point taking care of business was easy as I was now fully awake. I turned on the light, stuffed all those towels around the window and opened the door. (Washed my hands, you think I am that gross?) I returned to the warmth of my bed and laid awake. I mean seriously after all of that how could I sleep? I had to go take some Advil for my wrist and toe, drink some more water, (will I never learn) and then I went to Madison's room and stole her little LED night light. Battered, bruised, and frozen I stopped complaining that Texas didn't know what cold was. I have been humbled. By a door and some ugly tile. The story had to be told, I couldn't make this up if I wanted too.